Last night I was in a conundrum. On the one hand my young son had offered me a simile, something I try to get my Year 7 English class to use with abject failure. The writer in me beamed.
On the other hand, the simile he offered was ‘I did a poo as long as a rope’. He said this with a great sense of pride and achievement. I congratulated him on his use of vocabulary and (reluctantly) on his faecal manifestation. He went away happy, I went away perplexed and mildly revolted.
I have noticed over the years that being able to produce a sizeable turd is something of a mission for many males. They are wont to freely discuss toilet habits and once I even heard girth mentioned. From university halls onwards (coming from a male-free single parent family) I have been (over)exposed to the hailing of toiletry triumphs by male friends. Not once has a female friend ever mentioned it. Yes, we freely talk about sex, periods and childbirth but not faeces thank you very much.
It occurred to me that perhaps the size of a turn-out has some relevance for the male population. Did cave-men earn their rank in society by the size of their outpouring? Or perhaps the greater the testosterone, the larger the poo? Why is it that some men feel the need to announce their triumphs, usually with a ‘witty’ aside of ’I'd give it 10 minutes, love’? I even saw a small cone for sale over Christmas with this very message on – for sale in a shop called ‘Menkind’ – so it’s clearly not just me that has these opinions. They are marketable too. And male-orientated.
I am also confused, perturbed and sometimes knocked out by the whole odour thing too. Without going into too much information, it also seems that men always leave the most goddawful smell behind whereas women…not so much. I’m sure Darwin would have something to say about it, perhaps it takes his ‘adapt and survive’ to a whole new level. Knock out your opponents with one giant shit – stun them with the smell and then eat them. Maybe not.
My son got ‘Plop Trumps’ for Christmas – a version of Top Trumps but all the cards depict various poo and points are scored on, among other things, frequency, width and smelliness. I notice humans are exempt, but my daughter very kindly made a card for her dad. I won’t tell you the ratings, but they were pretty spot on!
So, weighing up the evidence (not literally I hasten to add) I can come to only one conclusion – that men are full of crap. And proud of it.