Jan 092014
 

Last night I was in a conundrum. On the one hand my young son had offered me a simile, something I try to get my Year 7 English class to use with abject failure. The writer in me beamed.

On the other hand, the simile he offered was ‘I did a poo as long as a rope’. He said this with a great sense of pride and achievement. I congratulated him on his use of vocabulary and (reluctantly) on his faecal manifestation. He went away happy, I went away perplexed and mildly revolted.

I have noticed over the years that being able to produce a sizeable turd is something of a mission for many males. They are wont to freely discuss toilet habits and once I even heard girth mentioned. From university halls onwards (coming from a male-free single parent family) I have been (over)exposed to the hailing of toiletry triumphs by male friends. Not once has a female friend ever mentioned it. Yes, we freely talk about sex, periods and childbirth but not faeces thank you very much.

It occurred to me that perhaps the size of a turn-out has some relevance for the male population. Did cave-men earn their rank in society by the size of their outpouring? Or perhaps the greater the testosterone, the larger the poo? Why is it that some men feel the need to announce their triumphs, usually with a ‘witty’ aside of  ‘I’d give it 10 minutes, love’? I even saw a small cone for sale over Christmas with this very message on – for sale in a shop called ‘Menkind’ – so it’s clearly not just me that has these opinions. They are marketable too. And male-orientated.

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I am also confused, perturbed and sometimes knocked out by the whole odour thing too. Without going into too much information, it also seems that men always leave the most goddawful smell behind whereas women…not so much. I’m sure Darwin would have something to say about it, perhaps it takes his ‘adapt and survive’ to a whole new level. Knock out your opponents with one giant shit – stun them with the smell and then eat them. Maybe not.

My son got ‘Plop Trumps’ for Christmas – a version of Top Trumps but all the cards depict various poo and points are scored on, among other things, frequency, width and smelliness. I notice humans are exempt, but my daughter very kindly made a card for her dad. I won’t tell you the ratings, but they were pretty spot on!

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So, weighing up the evidence (not literally I hasten to add) I can come to only one conclusion – that men are full of crap. And proud of it.

  17 Responses to “Sh*t Happens”

  1. Wish I could say you’re talking crap! On behalf of my fellow men, I’m flushed with embarrassment…

  2. I blame the mums. I mean, do you think that the sheer thrill and excitement on a mum’s face when you did a poo in a potty for the first time has anything to do with it? Of course it does. My mum used to buy me a book or some sweets or shower me with love and affection when I did a poo. She was thinking to herself, ‘Thank God I don’t have to deal with nappies any more. Hallelujah’ I was thinking ‘At last I know how to make someone love me. All I have to do is drop a big one.’

    • Ahem. The same bribery and effervescence is applied to girls. They get over it.

      Blame the mums…pah! Mr Hall, you are talking shite. *boom tish* ;-)

  3. Sarah,
    I had to stop reading your post about half way through because I was laughing too hard!!! Oh I’m going to have to save this one! Also, I have never heard of the game called “Plop”. Can you but it commercially (e.g. Amazon, etc.)? I’ll have to look for it for sure. But GREAT post, I needed a good laugh like this!
    The Funster recently posted…Angry Birds Air Swimmers Review!My Profile

  4. It’s certainly a man thing. My 4 year old gets so excited by the size of his poop – and then wants me to smell it, before flushing – no thanks! The Dinoaur that Pooped Christmas was a big hit here over Christmas, only a man could have even thought to write it, my son loves it – strange species #PocoLo
    Mary @over40andamumtoone recently posted…DoorwaysMy Profile

  5. Is it ok to be slightly horrified that there is such a thing as Plop Trumps?! #PoCoLo
    MummyTries recently posted…Before You Were Born #PoCoLoMy Profile

  6. I’ve never read such an eloquent discussion on, well, crap. Living in a household where the girls are horribly outnumbered, I can vouch for the accuracy of your entire commentary!
    Jennifer recently posted…Snow DaysMy Profile

  7. hahaha Plop Trumps!! Love it!!
    #PoCoLo
    Kim Carberry recently posted…I have never….My Profile

  8. You made me laugh out loud – one of the best posts I have read this week!
    BlueBeretMum recently posted…How To Be a Creative Mum…My Profile

  9. Hilarious!! I love that your son came up with that simile. I am rather pleased that Grace – aged 7 – is learning synonyms and antonyms at the moment! Going back to the turds, I am certain that I can give the men a run for their money when it comes to smells!! ;) Love the plop trumps – does that mean it includes farts?! Thanks for linking to PoCoLo x
    Verily Victoria Vocalises recently posted…Post Comment Love and Newbie Showcase – 10th to 12th January 2014My Profile

  10. Ha ha, very funny! This fascination with poo seems to start in childhood and for the male species, never ends! Those Top Trumps look truly disgusting….who on earth bought those? (hope it wasn’t you!). x
    suzanne3childrenandit recently posted…The £10 NoteMy Profile

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